I only write in this downer blog when I'm really a mess. That is why this blog sucks.

I wish I has someone to talk to... I want to die and I know someone would help me forget this crazy wish. It's too early in the morning and there is no one available. I want to be helped but now I've just fallen deeper. I have got no savior. I don't want to die :(
Lately I've been feeling like my death is around the corner but it never comes to end this pain... Or, you know, help never comes to end this pain.
I'm locked in my room. No one is allowed because it's me against the world... So... How am I going to get help? How am I going to survive my greatest enemy that sometimes is my best friend if he is stronger than ever and is the only one that can reach me? Usually he pities me and becomes my friend. Helps me get up and try and get me help, but when I'm doing he good he's the villain again.

I'm pretty sure I'm sick. Why won't anybody believe me or give me the benefit of the doubt?

If it's going to be a constant up and down, then I wish I could just break the floor and go below the ground. That would break the cycle.

Neverending Winter

I keep wandering in this sad white mountain and I see people through their windows, in their cozy home, all together in front of the fireplace.
I'm so cold that just wish I could be there too. But I can't. I must go on with my search. Whatever it is that I'm looking for.
Maybe there I'm just hopeful I find someone willing to take me in.

I'm not a monster, I'm just a damaged little angel.

Oliver.

I'm crying as I write this. I was ready to go to therapy and get me fixed but since the most important person to me gave me a could shoulder about it... I just died a little more. As she walked way I bled with the blade still inside of me. I didn't die because of that, I'm not going to die one day, sooner or later. I just figured I'm already dead, just wandering among the living, makes me feel even more dead, although death cannot be quantified in one person.

I'm not thinking suicide right now, I'm still enduring the pain, letting it consume me, 'till it officially kills me.

The reason why I'm still writing is because there is still a tiny light shining in amongst the darkness. I wish it would just fade... Or grow so much that I would never feel this way. I want it to end, but it's so hard to step outside.

Wasn't born for such a disgusting world, I don't belong here.

I think I'm going to die. There is no escape from my shadow, it'll find a way to take over. I'm tired of fighting for my life, no matter what anyone thinks, I'm tired and I might just surrender.

All I ever wanted was to have a voice, but my voice is so low, no one ever listens, no one ever cares, no one ever takes me serious, no one ever understands... I'm ready to give up this fight.

I wonder if they'll hear my last scream...

History Repeating

I'm haunted by regret. I should've kept going but I decided to take a different route. At least I thought it was a different route... Turns out I just came back to same shit.

I miss my friends. I miss enjoying life. I miss the new world I just turned down.

Now I'm on a downfall and I just want to hit the bottom, but hey... Winter has yet to come.

Stop whispering, asshole, just shut up!

I'm tired of your attempts to bring me back, but you just can't!

Even if I have to die, I'm not coming back to someone who does that kind of shit, after all that was said.

Can't sleep. Why? 'Cuz you're ringing in my ears and flashing before my eyes, just disappear!

Your wish is my command

Fight for it. Use me as an energy refill whenever you need it, whatever the circumstances.
Enjoy your plants, feel free to feed on them.

You are so going to get caught! And rot in jail.

Not again...

Once again I find myself in the dark. There's a dim light around me, there's not much that I can see. But I can feel. I feel the walls all built up again, I feel the tears running down my face, I feel my hand - closed like it's holding something - running through my neck. A feeling I haven't felt in quite some time. A feeling I believed to be gone forever. It came back and I only realized it when that imaginary blade ran through my neck. Tears fell along with me.

Am I insane?

Tired of being dragged in

Well, I got something to ask you, if you're not that paranoid then explain to me why the fuck you're still talking shit about me?

Why won't you just forget me?

Stop being a motherfucking victim, I don't know how anyone can take that crap, I don't know how I took that crap about you being so innocent. Oh, you're so innocent. YOU'RE A FUCKING HUMAN BEING FOR FUCKS SAKE!

Compulsive liar... -.-

I'm the villain and I finally figured why... Because I see who you are, I see the beast that hides behind that inexpressive face and those deceitful gestures and words.

I don't know how anyone who can't feel can pretend so many feelings. You're just like Lila - {x}.

Fakeness

So I thought I was Faceless. I guess I'm not anymore, right? I'm not, I was not and I won't ever be. Thanks to people's obsessive mental illness. And I here I was, thinking I was mentally ill. And there you were, not denying it. Because you wished I would keep thinking that way. I hate you.
It sucks to be surrounded by fakeness. Oh well.

Uncertainty

I was walking down one road very carelessly because it was all the same, I just had to move forward. But then I find out that my road is blocked... No, not a fallen tree nor a beast on my way... My road was blocked by uncertainty when I found out that my lonely road got split into two paths, so I stop and wonder what lies ahead each one of the roads. There are no signs and there is a thick mist veiling both ways.
Now I'm left with a decision, since my easy road turned into uncertainty I sit between the two forward ways and wait for the mist to vanish... Too bad it doesn't seem to move, neither do I.

Should I follow one road, regardless of the consequences? I just don't know, so I sit a wonder.

Phantoms

I used to see the future with no trace about my past, but it seems my past is following everywhere I go. Maybe I can deal with that specific phantom... It's a ridiculous phantom whose feelings of envy may cause me trouble, but if he steps in my way, I'll have to take care of it.
Like a fucking stone on my shoe. Friendship pretensions. That's the mask I took off from this phantom, a very egocentric being willing to destroy the lives of those who can take the attention away from him.
This is you, eating on other people's lives. You are despicable. (And funny, I should add)

There is a reason after all

Even though the writer of this blog has been a little absent lately I have to say that I'm troubled.
I'm troubled because I feel more than I should. I don't feel much about the basic things in life but I feel things that don't cross other people's senses.
I try to ignore this feelings because they come out of nowhere, or so I thought, but now I think I should listen to them because I'm not the only one who listens... And they listen the same things I do. He told me what he felt and it was the same thing I was feeling. He told me a lot that made sense but wouldn't make sense to another person.
And he told me something I already knew too. And this was the whisper I kept trying to shut away the most... As bad as it can hurt, I think I'll have to listen.

Now stop telling me that I have no reasons to feel what I feel, will you?

(I guess this is the most messed up thing I wrote here)

Dark days ahead?

Again, I find myself needing to feel something. It's been awhile since I hadn't wrote in my fucked up blog, too bad I had to return. (Not that I don't like you, Faceless)
I crave for something that I never had and that I will never have, I crave for someone who tells me he/she loves me that I can love back. So desperate to fall in love... I need to fill this empty hole that's in my chest. I try to pretend that I'm no monster but I guess I can't make the monster go away until I fill this emptiness. For now I have to feel happy with my nails buried beneath my skin, at least it makes me feel something.

I think I figured my need for pain.

Journals

Have you ever read a journal you wrote some years ago?
I usually keep a journal not to record my experiences, but to have a friend whenever I need one without relying on anyone.
I accidentally found my journal from 2007 and I opened it, just to see how my writing was. I'm still bad, but not as much as I back then. Well, I got glued to it and I was fascinated by the way things change. That's not my life anymore, it was just a chapter, I have the memories but I see it all differently than then.
I decided to keep writing so some years from now I'll be able to read those entries and see how my life has changed or is still the same.
I was a cutter, I think I'm not a cutter anymore, at least it's been awhile. I hope when everything starts falling apart that I won't rely on that.

Saints? No such thing.

Should I be apologizing to all the victims of my harsh defenses?
I'm not sure if should, because they lack understanding. They fail to understand how scared I am of being betrayed again. I wish everyone would just admit their own mistakes, it would make everything a lot easier since I don't believe in saints.
It's not my fault if I fail to trust you blindfolded, it's probably things you do that turn my defenses on.

I wish you would stop being such a victim because I already said I'm sorry.

And for god's sake, stop misinterpreting everything I say.

Please, don't get me rescued

In the hole. Black hole. So much darkness, so much fear, so much to die for. I just can't do it on my own, but the worst part is that I'm not alone and I can't stand the company. It's nice, I just don't want to be rescued. I feel like it's a worthless try, like if people get too attached to me and me to them I will always be rescued.

In need of psychiatric support ASAP but it's just so hard to go and say: Please, save me...

(Forget about the surprise, at least for now. I can't manage to finish it, maybe because I'm dumb or maybe because I'm just too lazy)

Mouse

I have been having these really sad moments and I don't even know why I cry. Today I talked to myself in front of a mirror and sometime after that I got better. Tomorrow I'm stepping out of the safety of my home and I'm going to face life like a man. I'm going to stop running like the mouse I always saw myself as.

My daemon is actually a mouse :P I don't know where I saw that, but I think the mouse was the one that fit me better. They gave us these descriptions in some forum and we, readers, would have to look them all up until we found a description that matched us the most. And I found that some kind of rat was my daemon. It was actually cute, and I like mice, so...
EDIT: I've made a google research and I found the rat I was talking about. It's the Brown Norway Rat. Here's a picture of it:


By the way, I think I'll have a surprise for you readers tomorrow. I'm going to uncover something about myself. You'll see.

Oliver.

Dangerous to be alone

Everything's so twisted in my mind that I don't even know what I want to write. Actually I do. I just don't know if I should talk about it, or if I should keep being quiet just like I have been these last few days. It's strange because, even though I always considered myself as a quiet person, these days I've seen the difference. I always had someone to talk to, but now I have to run away, to shut my doors to other people. Yeah, it sucks... I just don't feel in the mood, so I hide. I really have no patience for people.
For example, there's this person who's important to me that lives away and now that person's in town, instead of going nearby (even if it is to be quiet) I just stay in my room, where there's no one around to look at me, to talk to me, to have any kind of interaction with me.
Just need my time alone, although I shouldn't be alone in this condition. It's dangerous.

The short road

So the kid decided he would take the short road. It was raining when he set foot on that dark path. There were so many voices in his head that he couldn't figure who should he listen to.
"Go, keep on going, it's an easy way, a shortcut, it'll make everything much easier"
"Don't go... It's a dark and cold path to follow. The other road is harder and longer to follow, but if you can, you can enjoy every second of your trip."
"The rain will stop soon, go on"
"That's a dangerous road, come on, you're still in time to change your path"
He listened to the darker voices who told him it would be easy to follow the path he was on.
At the end of the road he heard a clear voice, all the other voices were silenced by that loud shout.
"Stop it! If you do that I'll miss you and I may want to follow the same road!"
It was a really dark road, he didn't want anybody following it because of him, besides, that voice made him see the point of following the long road. Everyone else is on that road, it's not always a happy trip, but you'll learn to cherish those moments and hold on to the memories of those moments, that's good because you'll want to paint more of those memories.
He goes back from the way he came and when he got to that other path he looked up at the sky and said "What a beautiful day", so he smiled.


dead end by ~don-paolo on deviantART

Bottomless

Not safe. Anywhere, he's just not safe.
Looks pretty sane, doesn't he?
Would you like to see what I see?
Let's just pull up his sleeves...
I wonder if his soul is as scarred as his arms are...

His mind is a bottomless hole,
He can't step into it, because...
He'll just fall into darkness,
A never ending cliff diving,
A small step towards complete destruction.

Someone: Are you lost, kid?
Kid: Sort of. I have these two roads and I can't decide which one I should take.
Someone: Where do you want to go?
Kid: I don't know. I'm just tired of this non-stopping storm.

Oliver Moore

Losing Control

Desire. It makes me do stupid things. You're not just an inspiration anymore... I suppose. I got fucked up because of you, I don't want to break the ice sealing my heart, I guess it's too late. Can't live in the cold for too long, it seems, now my whole being desires to be embraced in your sinful flames.

Walking near you, everybody is else is living their lives just like us, going their way. I didn't even notice, but everyone vanished into thin air. It was only me and you. I guess you were bored and held my hand, embraced me. Fuck! It made me burn, I guess the heat blocked my common sense and desire took over me. I turn around, look into your eyes. They're looking into mine, burning me even more. Everything around us is gone, it's absolutely just you and me, no ground, nothing, just plain white. My eyes staring into yours, they drop into your lips. I tried to stop myself, but the demons had me like a puppet. I kissed you.

The dream stopped, I couldn't see your reaction. One thousand other similar dreams followed that one. They all ended as soon as my lips touched yours.

I want that kiss so much, even if your lips are poisonous

Oliver Moore

Forbidden

Me. You. Us. You and me, me and you, it's some kind of "us".

Two different beings with two different worlds, different thoughts. In general, they're different. Their essence is kind of the same, yet they live their lives in a completely different way.

You sit in one side of the room surrounded by your friends, I sit in the other side surrounded by the people I feel comfortable with.

They're different.

I hear them talk, but I'm not listening. I look to a person, then to the other. There's a space between them where I can see you. I look, you stop looking.

They're curious for each other.

My eyes move around the room, even though I'm lost in my thoughts about you. You're doing the same. I noticed.

Their eyes cannot meet.

You leave, I stop being surrounded, you arrive and I read a book. I want to look at you, but I won't allow it.

They are scared of their feelings. Or so it seems.

Suddenly someone sits beside me. It's you.

This is where their worlds connect.

"What are you doing here?", I thought. "What are you reading?", he asked.

A sudden interest. However...

"Nothing special", I answered as I kept reading without taking my eyes from the book

He pretends not to care.

So you went away, to your friends. I haven't looked much, but I wish I could. From the fragments of time I moved my eyes away from the book I could tell you were still interested.

He was too.

So sorry...

Oliver Moore

My imaginary wings

I'm writing these two stories. One of them inspired by a message someone sent me and the other was just a romance scene that went through my head between two guys on a night when I couldn't sleep, which really isn't very rare, I always take hours to fall asleep. Normally, it's not these kinds of thoughts that pop up in my mind when I'm in bed trying to sleep, normally it's those evil thoughts that sick people have.
In this new story I'm writing about there's this self-centered, competitive and mind fucking asshole, "looking" at him at first you see a really trashy personality, but you'll see this character is not as trashy as he looks. The other guy is so scared to come out that he'll deny the love and desire he feels for the other guy and then he backs away from him, so he can play his straight game with no loose edges.
The first story... Well, I may talk about it later! But it involves Angels.

Play me that piano song that grows wings on my back so I can have a nice flight up on the highest clouds of my imagination

Heal me

Know what it's like to be caged on a trampoline? It's simple, you can hardly maintain the same height, you go up then come down.
So, I woke up today and the sun was shinning, how pretty. After a while, my mood when down the hill. It's been like this for my whole life, but it seems to be worsening these last few days. I'm so sick of these up and downs that I just want to put an end to everything.

I want to try but I don't want to lose.
I want to win but I'm afraid of trying.
I want to give up, but can't reach the quit button.

Sometimes I just wish death would come knocking at my window, and I would gladly open it, so it could free me from this wingless body.

They tell me I have everything... But what do they know?

Oliver


Slit my teenage wrist by ~zorak on deviantART

Fragments of You

There you go. Walking alone, on your way home. My eyes meet your colorful being, your perfectness, your unique way of walking, your wild light brown hair that curls in specific spots. That hair you say you hate and gives you lots of work to make it decent. I think it's pretty.
And then... when my eyes caught you in this gray day, everything got more colorful, my eyes couldn't move away from your walking body and I started feeling what I used to feel about you. I wanted to go near you and walk you home or at least scream your name just to say hi. But everything that happened was the resurrection of those memories.
Do I still love you?
Will these memories ever fade away?

I guess I could say you're my tattoo.

Oliver

Redemption

I'm sorry, baby, I didn't mean to cause all that destruction in your life. I love you, I really do... People just can't believe me when I say this because of my cold way of loving. I want to fix you, I want to fix us. Can you forgive me?

You really love to suffer.

Oliver.

Puppeteer

I don't know whether I still trust you. I don't know who you are or what you want. I don't know what I can or cannot say. I don't know what I am to you.
Sometimes I think I'm I'm your friend, others I feel like I'm your puppet. Are you playing with me? Do you want to know me so you can set your scene? That's what it looks like. I wonder... Are you a friend or a foe?
Now it's gone too far.
It's the worst time for you to do that, I'm starting to feel you're a foe. Can't be a friend with those I can't trust. I think I'm scratching you from that small list.

Oliver

Perfect?

I'm sick. I lose it all of a sudden. I wasn't born like you, you or you... It's something that might kill me. And because I'm not taken seriously I can't take any medication.

Because everything's always alright and the bad things don't ever happen to us, only to the others. So what's wrong is ignored and pretended to be right. The wrong is ridiculed so the wrong people keep trying and pretending to be right. But they're not. They won't ever be. They are who they are, they live how they live, they love who they love and they die with their own reasons. What's the big deal? Why are you always trying to be perfect? Why am I always trying to be perfect? Why is everyone trying to be perfect? People are who they are, there's nothing you can do about it...

Byebye readers,
Oliver.

I wish I had an Angel, too

Sometimes I find myself getting lost in the dark mist that shrouds my life, sometimes it's a really dark mist. And I cry. And I want to scream, but I can't make any noise late at night. It's a mix of wanting attention and wanting to be alone.
In times like that, I fall on my knees, and inside my head I'm screaming. Screaming for an angel to lead the way, to hold me and to take me away. My angel. The one who's protecting me ever since I was born not letting me die until my time comes.
I even have a name for you, you know? It's a secret, I don't even say it to myself because you might listen, I even try not to think about it because you might read my mind. I know you're always beside me, but I wish you could show yourself to me. I wish you would hold me in the dark nights that I'm crying, trying so hard not to make the slightest noise and hiding under my sheets, so no one can find me crying.
I know you're there, I know you're crying with me, and I know it hurts you when I inflict even more pain to myself. Maybe you're protecting me from myself, maybe you're the "thing" that's stopping me... That would be okay if you would show yourself and held me in your arms, covering me with your wings and then I would feel your angelic tears fall on my naked chest.
I wish I really had you! Come see me sometime, will you?

Lost Angel by =Sugargrl14 on deviantART

Faces

We all have a face. Not just a face, our own face. It's important because it's part of our identity. When you think of someone you don't imagine their hands or their butts (I guess!), you imagine their faces.
Most people care about how their face looks, they don't want to have wrinkles, pimples, scars nor whatever that might change their faces in a negative way. Some of them go see doctors, some people cover their faces with makeup and some hide.
For me, a face is the ultimate symbol of identity and the reason for this blog's name, Faceless, is not that I don't have a face, I'm just not going to reveal it. Of course, you get to know a little about my "face" as you read the blog.
Why hide? Simply because I feel like I can share anything like this without people talking about a specific person writing whatever it is that might bother you.


Faceless Reflection by ~Danev on deviantART

Usual Introductory Post

I started Faceless because I had this need to share somethings from my life with people, people who don't know who I am or what I look like.
You probably know that people are always talking about other people, not minding their own business (not everyone, but there's lots of people who do that), now, with Faceless I have a chance of sharing the darkness shrouding my life with the world, and people who may feel the same or understand what I'm talking about, and not having some uncomprehending person to read what I'm writing and go spread rumors.
Now, about me. I'm a guy who's still on his teen years, as you know from the previous paragraphs, I don't like uncomprehending people and I don't like to share my most insane, dark, weird and dirty little secrets with people I know. I've seen a psychologist a several times, right now I'm not seeing one, he makes me feel better but as time goes by I end up the same. I went to some psychiatrists, but I didn't share much with them because I felt that I couldn't trust them, just like with my psychologist, but with time I got used to him and after a few sessions I could talk to him about pretty much everything that was troubling me.
I'd love to share a little more about me, but I think you would not want to read my blog anymore. See you on my next post.
Feel free to comment whatever you want, you got your freedom of speech.

Test

This blog was just created and is currently being tested for customization purposes.

First real post coming soon.