Let's give this another shot

Hello again! It's been awhile since I last wrote here. I was going through my previous posts and I was really dramatic. I still am, but not as much.
Well, I got to this blog because I was talking to my soulmate about how I gave up writing because I stopped thinking of it as pleasant because I was trying to please others. Well, yeah, I used to have lots of ideas for stories and then I didn't even try.
Reading this again I thought I should update it and give writing another try. Because this has been depressing for so long, I will try to make it a little brighter. No, I won't change the layout, I like it this way. Shows both my sides. Darkness and Light. Oliver and Andy, respectively.
I am medicated now, I know that I need it if I want to live a functional live. My doctor doesn't think I'm bipolar and neither do I.
Back then I really needed some support from my mom about my sexual orientation. I felt really guilty for existing in a way that she didn't like. Felt like trash. That I needed to disappear for the good of the world.
It so happens that I have been feeling this way since yesterday, with my ups and downs throughout the day.
My boyfriend has been so so strong to be by my side in these dark days and I really love him and appreciate him, which is why I decided to be strong and fight my darkness away.
Like my therapist says, I am not my depression. Depression is a bunch of symptoms that I feel, but it isn't me. But it takes over my whole being and I get trapped somewhere and my life gets really painful and destructive.
Because of the never ending ups and downs I cannot build something out of my life because Light stays for a little why to build things, but then Darkness takes over and destroys it all. But Light fights it and I start building again... You get the picture. It's a cycle that must be broke with some effort. People can help, yes they can, but the heavy lifting is all mine and if I'm in this mess is because I allowed myself to reach this point.
Right now I'm taking a light medication, but I'm starting to think I need something stronger. Or maybe the meds haven't kicked in yet, I've been in it for a few weeks. 3-4 Weeks.

Well, I am going to use this blog to write about my progress. I was in the university but Darkness took over and now I'm very messed up. I had some classes that didn't please me much and I was only learning one language. Well, Languages is all that matters to me and I don't need to be in the university to learn them. Yeah, it looks good on my CV, but what the point?

Anyways, I hope I can keep this up. The writing and the recovery.

And thanks lover, you're a ray of light in my life <3

Andy

Internal War

I've got this kid inside of me, we're fighting for control in a never ending argument about the choices we make for our body.
He's incredibly destructive and yeah, he's just a kid. He's an unloved and misunderstood kid that throws an electrical tantrum that destroys my mood.
I wish I could get to him, I don't know if we'll ever manage to co-own this body.
It's hard...

Andy.

Internal Mutation

Hi everyone. I would like to show you another part of me: Andy. Andy is my more zen self. Oliver is the dramatic one.
As you may have understood, I have been through a few issues and I'm still solving some. I don't want you to get the idea that I'm fixed because there's still a few issues to be solved.
I'm on therapy and this last session I told my therapist about this blog, how I use it when Oliver is around. He told me to delete it, but I've grown attached to this and I think that in time I would like to read my previous posts, just like I enjoy reading my diaries from years ago. I find those ridiculous but it's still kinda good because it takes me back in time.
I told him I would change it, he agreed, and he gave me the idea for the title. "The Change", I found it brilliant but the title was taken so I came up with this one.
Anyways, I'll keep you posted on my progress.

I'm supposed to make friends and go out with them, I think that will be tough, but I can make it :)
Andy

Mouse

I have been having these really sad moments and I don't even know why I cry. Today I talked to myself in front of a mirror and sometime after that I got better. Tomorrow I'm stepping out of the safety of my home and I'm going to face life like a man. I'm going to stop running like the mouse I always saw myself as.

My daemon is actually a mouse :P I don't know where I saw that, but I think the mouse was the one that fit me better. They gave us these descriptions in some forum and we, readers, would have to look them all up until we found a description that matched us the most. And I found that some kind of rat was my daemon. It was actually cute, and I like mice, so...
EDIT: I've made a google research and I found the rat I was talking about. It's the Brown Norway Rat. Here's a picture of it:


By the way, I think I'll have a surprise for you readers tomorrow. I'm going to uncover something about myself. You'll see.

Oliver.