Let's give this another shot

Hello again! It's been awhile since I last wrote here. I was going through my previous posts and I was really dramatic. I still am, but not as much.
Well, I got to this blog because I was talking to my soulmate about how I gave up writing because I stopped thinking of it as pleasant because I was trying to please others. Well, yeah, I used to have lots of ideas for stories and then I didn't even try.
Reading this again I thought I should update it and give writing another try. Because this has been depressing for so long, I will try to make it a little brighter. No, I won't change the layout, I like it this way. Shows both my sides. Darkness and Light. Oliver and Andy, respectively.
I am medicated now, I know that I need it if I want to live a functional live. My doctor doesn't think I'm bipolar and neither do I.
Back then I really needed some support from my mom about my sexual orientation. I felt really guilty for existing in a way that she didn't like. Felt like trash. That I needed to disappear for the good of the world.
It so happens that I have been feeling this way since yesterday, with my ups and downs throughout the day.
My boyfriend has been so so strong to be by my side in these dark days and I really love him and appreciate him, which is why I decided to be strong and fight my darkness away.
Like my therapist says, I am not my depression. Depression is a bunch of symptoms that I feel, but it isn't me. But it takes over my whole being and I get trapped somewhere and my life gets really painful and destructive.
Because of the never ending ups and downs I cannot build something out of my life because Light stays for a little why to build things, but then Darkness takes over and destroys it all. But Light fights it and I start building again... You get the picture. It's a cycle that must be broke with some effort. People can help, yes they can, but the heavy lifting is all mine and if I'm in this mess is because I allowed myself to reach this point.
Right now I'm taking a light medication, but I'm starting to think I need something stronger. Or maybe the meds haven't kicked in yet, I've been in it for a few weeks. 3-4 Weeks.

Well, I am going to use this blog to write about my progress. I was in the university but Darkness took over and now I'm very messed up. I had some classes that didn't please me much and I was only learning one language. Well, Languages is all that matters to me and I don't need to be in the university to learn them. Yeah, it looks good on my CV, but what the point?

Anyways, I hope I can keep this up. The writing and the recovery.

And thanks lover, you're a ray of light in my life <3

Andy

Please, don't get me rescued

In the hole. Black hole. So much darkness, so much fear, so much to die for. I just can't do it on my own, but the worst part is that I'm not alone and I can't stand the company. It's nice, I just don't want to be rescued. I feel like it's a worthless try, like if people get too attached to me and me to them I will always be rescued.

In need of psychiatric support ASAP but it's just so hard to go and say: Please, save me...

(Forget about the surprise, at least for now. I can't manage to finish it, maybe because I'm dumb or maybe because I'm just too lazy)

The short road

So the kid decided he would take the short road. It was raining when he set foot on that dark path. There were so many voices in his head that he couldn't figure who should he listen to.
"Go, keep on going, it's an easy way, a shortcut, it'll make everything much easier"
"Don't go... It's a dark and cold path to follow. The other road is harder and longer to follow, but if you can, you can enjoy every second of your trip."
"The rain will stop soon, go on"
"That's a dangerous road, come on, you're still in time to change your path"
He listened to the darker voices who told him it would be easy to follow the path he was on.
At the end of the road he heard a clear voice, all the other voices were silenced by that loud shout.
"Stop it! If you do that I'll miss you and I may want to follow the same road!"
It was a really dark road, he didn't want anybody following it because of him, besides, that voice made him see the point of following the long road. Everyone else is on that road, it's not always a happy trip, but you'll learn to cherish those moments and hold on to the memories of those moments, that's good because you'll want to paint more of those memories.
He goes back from the way he came and when he got to that other path he looked up at the sky and said "What a beautiful day", so he smiled.


dead end by ~don-paolo on deviantART