Let's give this another shot

Hello again! It's been awhile since I last wrote here. I was going through my previous posts and I was really dramatic. I still am, but not as much.
Well, I got to this blog because I was talking to my soulmate about how I gave up writing because I stopped thinking of it as pleasant because I was trying to please others. Well, yeah, I used to have lots of ideas for stories and then I didn't even try.
Reading this again I thought I should update it and give writing another try. Because this has been depressing for so long, I will try to make it a little brighter. No, I won't change the layout, I like it this way. Shows both my sides. Darkness and Light. Oliver and Andy, respectively.
I am medicated now, I know that I need it if I want to live a functional live. My doctor doesn't think I'm bipolar and neither do I.
Back then I really needed some support from my mom about my sexual orientation. I felt really guilty for existing in a way that she didn't like. Felt like trash. That I needed to disappear for the good of the world.
It so happens that I have been feeling this way since yesterday, with my ups and downs throughout the day.
My boyfriend has been so so strong to be by my side in these dark days and I really love him and appreciate him, which is why I decided to be strong and fight my darkness away.
Like my therapist says, I am not my depression. Depression is a bunch of symptoms that I feel, but it isn't me. But it takes over my whole being and I get trapped somewhere and my life gets really painful and destructive.
Because of the never ending ups and downs I cannot build something out of my life because Light stays for a little why to build things, but then Darkness takes over and destroys it all. But Light fights it and I start building again... You get the picture. It's a cycle that must be broke with some effort. People can help, yes they can, but the heavy lifting is all mine and if I'm in this mess is because I allowed myself to reach this point.
Right now I'm taking a light medication, but I'm starting to think I need something stronger. Or maybe the meds haven't kicked in yet, I've been in it for a few weeks. 3-4 Weeks.

Well, I am going to use this blog to write about my progress. I was in the university but Darkness took over and now I'm very messed up. I had some classes that didn't please me much and I was only learning one language. Well, Languages is all that matters to me and I don't need to be in the university to learn them. Yeah, it looks good on my CV, but what the point?

Anyways, I hope I can keep this up. The writing and the recovery.

And thanks lover, you're a ray of light in my life <3

Andy

Please, don't get me rescued

In the hole. Black hole. So much darkness, so much fear, so much to die for. I just can't do it on my own, but the worst part is that I'm not alone and I can't stand the company. It's nice, I just don't want to be rescued. I feel like it's a worthless try, like if people get too attached to me and me to them I will always be rescued.

In need of psychiatric support ASAP but it's just so hard to go and say: Please, save me...

(Forget about the surprise, at least for now. I can't manage to finish it, maybe because I'm dumb or maybe because I'm just too lazy)

The short road

So the kid decided he would take the short road. It was raining when he set foot on that dark path. There were so many voices in his head that he couldn't figure who should he listen to.
"Go, keep on going, it's an easy way, a shortcut, it'll make everything much easier"
"Don't go... It's a dark and cold path to follow. The other road is harder and longer to follow, but if you can, you can enjoy every second of your trip."
"The rain will stop soon, go on"
"That's a dangerous road, come on, you're still in time to change your path"
He listened to the darker voices who told him it would be easy to follow the path he was on.
At the end of the road he heard a clear voice, all the other voices were silenced by that loud shout.
"Stop it! If you do that I'll miss you and I may want to follow the same road!"
It was a really dark road, he didn't want anybody following it because of him, besides, that voice made him see the point of following the long road. Everyone else is on that road, it's not always a happy trip, but you'll learn to cherish those moments and hold on to the memories of those moments, that's good because you'll want to paint more of those memories.
He goes back from the way he came and when he got to that other path he looked up at the sky and said "What a beautiful day", so he smiled.


dead end by ~don-paolo on deviantART

Bottomless

Not safe. Anywhere, he's just not safe.
Looks pretty sane, doesn't he?
Would you like to see what I see?
Let's just pull up his sleeves...
I wonder if his soul is as scarred as his arms are...

His mind is a bottomless hole,
He can't step into it, because...
He'll just fall into darkness,
A never ending cliff diving,
A small step towards complete destruction.

Someone: Are you lost, kid?
Kid: Sort of. I have these two roads and I can't decide which one I should take.
Someone: Where do you want to go?
Kid: I don't know. I'm just tired of this non-stopping storm.

Oliver Moore

I wish I had an Angel, too

Sometimes I find myself getting lost in the dark mist that shrouds my life, sometimes it's a really dark mist. And I cry. And I want to scream, but I can't make any noise late at night. It's a mix of wanting attention and wanting to be alone.
In times like that, I fall on my knees, and inside my head I'm screaming. Screaming for an angel to lead the way, to hold me and to take me away. My angel. The one who's protecting me ever since I was born not letting me die until my time comes.
I even have a name for you, you know? It's a secret, I don't even say it to myself because you might listen, I even try not to think about it because you might read my mind. I know you're always beside me, but I wish you could show yourself to me. I wish you would hold me in the dark nights that I'm crying, trying so hard not to make the slightest noise and hiding under my sheets, so no one can find me crying.
I know you're there, I know you're crying with me, and I know it hurts you when I inflict even more pain to myself. Maybe you're protecting me from myself, maybe you're the "thing" that's stopping me... That would be okay if you would show yourself and held me in your arms, covering me with your wings and then I would feel your angelic tears fall on my naked chest.
I wish I really had you! Come see me sometime, will you?

Lost Angel by =Sugargrl14 on deviantART

Usual Introductory Post

I started Faceless because I had this need to share somethings from my life with people, people who don't know who I am or what I look like.
You probably know that people are always talking about other people, not minding their own business (not everyone, but there's lots of people who do that), now, with Faceless I have a chance of sharing the darkness shrouding my life with the world, and people who may feel the same or understand what I'm talking about, and not having some uncomprehending person to read what I'm writing and go spread rumors.
Now, about me. I'm a guy who's still on his teen years, as you know from the previous paragraphs, I don't like uncomprehending people and I don't like to share my most insane, dark, weird and dirty little secrets with people I know. I've seen a psychologist a several times, right now I'm not seeing one, he makes me feel better but as time goes by I end up the same. I went to some psychiatrists, but I didn't share much with them because I felt that I couldn't trust them, just like with my psychologist, but with time I got used to him and after a few sessions I could talk to him about pretty much everything that was troubling me.
I'd love to share a little more about me, but I think you would not want to read my blog anymore. See you on my next post.
Feel free to comment whatever you want, you got your freedom of speech.