Change is painful

No matter what we try to change about ourselves, it usually turns out to be painful. We can be thinking to ourselves that we're doing fine... Until our past self shows up to haunt you.
That happened to me, I'm trying really hard to change and I saw many many changes after going to therapy consistently pretty much every week, but now I really need to get back to my therapist because I've gotten to the point where it hurts and it scares me and it makes me want to run back to what I'm used to.
I broke down, but I can't go saying "Oh, it was so painful!", I mean, of course it was, but that doesn't mean I have to allow myself to drown in tears. I had to get up and go do what I have been doing, no matter how painful it was. I disappointed some people and that's what makes me regret breaking down the most.
Probably people are thinking shit about me, but it's up to me to show them it's not like that, that yes, I am changing and no I'm not giving up!

As a wise friend told me, every day is a 100% effort. It is, no matter which road you take, surviving is hard. You can choose to make whatever you want of your survival and you can make it interesting.

Internal War

I've got this kid inside of me, we're fighting for control in a never ending argument about the choices we make for our body.
He's incredibly destructive and yeah, he's just a kid. He's an unloved and misunderstood kid that throws an electrical tantrum that destroys my mood.
I wish I could get to him, I don't know if we'll ever manage to co-own this body.
It's hard...

Andy.

Internal Mutation

Hi everyone. I would like to show you another part of me: Andy. Andy is my more zen self. Oliver is the dramatic one.
As you may have understood, I have been through a few issues and I'm still solving some. I don't want you to get the idea that I'm fixed because there's still a few issues to be solved.
I'm on therapy and this last session I told my therapist about this blog, how I use it when Oliver is around. He told me to delete it, but I've grown attached to this and I think that in time I would like to read my previous posts, just like I enjoy reading my diaries from years ago. I find those ridiculous but it's still kinda good because it takes me back in time.
I told him I would change it, he agreed, and he gave me the idea for the title. "The Change", I found it brilliant but the title was taken so I came up with this one.
Anyways, I'll keep you posted on my progress.

I'm supposed to make friends and go out with them, I think that will be tough, but I can make it :)
Andy

Heart condition

My heart has been pounding way too much. Instinctively, my hand rushes to touch my chest and it seems like I've got a ticking time bomb waiting to explode.
I hope it explodes when everything's a mess, I hope it doesn't get in the way of my recovery and specially, I hope it doesn't devastate my life when I'm recovered, if I manage to recover.

Other than saying recover, since I was always this way, I'd rather say... Heal.

I'm one of those dolls that were never finished to begin with, just like all of my stories. They're just nothing. Like me.

Me and my creations, we need more construction.

(I know that every single post of this blog sounds sad and I'm all self-pitiful, but I'd like you to read this post from a different place)

He's out

I'm so fucking tired of this roller coaster. I was doing so well until I let my inner demon get out and destroy everything.
Why can't people acknowledge that I'm one of those people who needs pills to keep going?
Seriously, I'm really tired of having everything I've worked so hard on constructing destroyed by my darker self.
Yesterday I took so many pills but unfortunately I didn't have the kind that would fuck me up permanently, the kind that would make my ridiculous self begone.

I wish someone would poison my food, I'd be grateful.

I prayed for a path, something to keep me going.
My prayers were answered, but I just ignored those paths and kept sinking deeper into the hole.
My decision was made, even the gods are not perfect, the deadline was due.
Go people and identities from the light! I was just swallowed once again, so, good for you, keep losing souls because the more souls you lose the more will be lost more easily.

I feel like I just woke up from a long and beautiful dream. But that's all it was. A dream.