Phantoms

I used to see the future with no trace about my past, but it seems my past is following everywhere I go. Maybe I can deal with that specific phantom... It's a ridiculous phantom whose feelings of envy may cause me trouble, but if he steps in my way, I'll have to take care of it.
Like a fucking stone on my shoe. Friendship pretensions. That's the mask I took off from this phantom, a very egocentric being willing to destroy the lives of those who can take the attention away from him.
This is you, eating on other people's lives. You are despicable. (And funny, I should add)

There is a reason after all

Even though the writer of this blog has been a little absent lately I have to say that I'm troubled.
I'm troubled because I feel more than I should. I don't feel much about the basic things in life but I feel things that don't cross other people's senses.
I try to ignore this feelings because they come out of nowhere, or so I thought, but now I think I should listen to them because I'm not the only one who listens... And they listen the same things I do. He told me what he felt and it was the same thing I was feeling. He told me a lot that made sense but wouldn't make sense to another person.
And he told me something I already knew too. And this was the whisper I kept trying to shut away the most... As bad as it can hurt, I think I'll have to listen.

Now stop telling me that I have no reasons to feel what I feel, will you?

(I guess this is the most messed up thing I wrote here)

Dark days ahead?

Again, I find myself needing to feel something. It's been awhile since I hadn't wrote in my fucked up blog, too bad I had to return. (Not that I don't like you, Faceless)
I crave for something that I never had and that I will never have, I crave for someone who tells me he/she loves me that I can love back. So desperate to fall in love... I need to fill this empty hole that's in my chest. I try to pretend that I'm no monster but I guess I can't make the monster go away until I fill this emptiness. For now I have to feel happy with my nails buried beneath my skin, at least it makes me feel something.

I think I figured my need for pain.

Journals

Have you ever read a journal you wrote some years ago?
I usually keep a journal not to record my experiences, but to have a friend whenever I need one without relying on anyone.
I accidentally found my journal from 2007 and I opened it, just to see how my writing was. I'm still bad, but not as much as I back then. Well, I got glued to it and I was fascinated by the way things change. That's not my life anymore, it was just a chapter, I have the memories but I see it all differently than then.
I decided to keep writing so some years from now I'll be able to read those entries and see how my life has changed or is still the same.
I was a cutter, I think I'm not a cutter anymore, at least it's been awhile. I hope when everything starts falling apart that I won't rely on that.