Change is painful

No matter what we try to change about ourselves, it usually turns out to be painful. We can be thinking to ourselves that we're doing fine... Until our past self shows up to haunt you.
That happened to me, I'm trying really hard to change and I saw many many changes after going to therapy consistently pretty much every week, but now I really need to get back to my therapist because I've gotten to the point where it hurts and it scares me and it makes me want to run back to what I'm used to.
I broke down, but I can't go saying "Oh, it was so painful!", I mean, of course it was, but that doesn't mean I have to allow myself to drown in tears. I had to get up and go do what I have been doing, no matter how painful it was. I disappointed some people and that's what makes me regret breaking down the most.
Probably people are thinking shit about me, but it's up to me to show them it's not like that, that yes, I am changing and no I'm not giving up!

As a wise friend told me, every day is a 100% effort. It is, no matter which road you take, surviving is hard. You can choose to make whatever you want of your survival and you can make it interesting.

Internal War

I've got this kid inside of me, we're fighting for control in a never ending argument about the choices we make for our body.
He's incredibly destructive and yeah, he's just a kid. He's an unloved and misunderstood kid that throws an electrical tantrum that destroys my mood.
I wish I could get to him, I don't know if we'll ever manage to co-own this body.
It's hard...

Andy.